Key steps in recovering from a narcissistic relationship

Ladies if you were following our blog post on “warning signs that you are in a narcissistic relationship”, today we are focusing on how you can recover from such monsters.  Breaking up with a Narcissist is more than 1000 percent harder – what with the way you were being manipulated, disrespected, and how your self-worth was reduced till you felt valueless, going from a SOMEBODY to a NOBODY. Its no shame that at first, you won’t have an idea of what to do next, you are still shaken and traumatised by your experience. Recovering from such a painful relationship calls for patience with yourself because the healing process can take time. Spare nothing and in everything you do, it is now you first, you only and just but you.

These steps can help you get you back to you.

The No Contact Rule

Its time to go cold turkey. If this phrase isn’t familiar it just means everything you ever did with them or for them stops suddenly. On the very minute, hour and day all communications seizes. Halt and STOP!!!  Allow the No Contact rule to kick in. The No Contact rule means just what it says No contact. Its a no to text, no to emails, no calls,  no voice messages, no contact through family or friends (Make it crystal clear that if they are real friends or family they should too shut them out and never ever entertain a word they say), no looking at their social media- Instagram,  facebook, twitter,  whats app etc –it is exactly what it says No Contact. I am not saying its an easier rule to follow but don’t forget you are dealing with manipulative monsters that will have no shame in even making your break up worse or even dangle their way back in. The beauty in saying No to any form of contact is you finally giving yourself a Voice, the power to be in control and give you back to you. Never mind the need to give them your piece of mind but I can assure you that it is your voice without words that gets the attention of a Narcissist. They are left seething and for the first time feel helpless. There is your revenge. No contact is empowering and just gives you the needed closure. This is you erecting walls that guard and protect your interest, a fortress if you like.

I know the No Contact rule can be less applicable when kids are involved, but its not all lost as you can try MODIFIED CONTACT. Make clear arrangements that only allow very MINIMAL contact especially around your kids. Always stick to any schedules around children as any changes require possible communication and is likely to trigger conflict.  Only use email communication to update them about kids as this also give you a trail of evidence to fall back on should they attack you. If you let your guard down, they will find a way to crawl back in your life leaving your more distraught.

Focus on you

There are times you might feel lonely and feel the need to reach out.  Yes there is a part of you that lets your sadness wonder in the past and romanticize the ‘good’ memories. Selectively, your memory can filter only your happier moments rather than concentrate on the bad treatment you received.

Make yourself a list of everything the Narcissist ever did to you, how the broke your spirit, put you down and be where you are now. I call it the reality check list. Reading and visiting the list can help detoxify your mind each time you try and visit the ‘good’ past? Each time you find yourself thinking of being in-touch, visit your list that quantifies all the horrible things they did to you. The list can just remind you that there was never real love in the first place.  Yes you had them at some point in life but that doesn’t mean they should feature in the future.

Focusing on you after escaping can take a bit of time to rebuild yourself. It is going to be a demanding process that requires your strength and determination because there hardly is a quick fix. Don’t despair or be discouraged because ultimately in the end focusing and working on you will be worthy your struggle. I assure you, you will emerge stronger and happier. Focusing your mind on you and your future is empowering.

Don’t Fall For Their Manipulations

In a normal break-up, its okay for either part to suggest friendship. Do not ever entertain this thinking or request from a narcissists, best they are out forever. Entertaining some form of friendship will give them a chance to sweet talk you back and even claim they are changed.  Without a doubt you will be manipulated again. He will try manipulating you back into the relationship. They are such a monster that even after destroying you, they will never tire but come back like a boomerang to make sure you are down.

The day you break up with a narcissist is hardly the last day you see or hear from them. They will use every trick up in their sleeve to lure you again. Make no mistake, don’t be enticed, fooled and buy into the same crap that got you emotionally damaged.  Make it a point and stand firm with your decision, trust your gut instinct and slam the door. Keep the devil out of sight.

 Be Kind to Yourself

So there is you, the person who was being trashed, considered hopeless, worthless and never good for anyone.  But waal do you look gorgeous, the mirror confirms. Why not put on back that beaming smile and just tell yourself what a creation you are. It’s time to value yourself and be who you are. Whatever your next steps, your self worth can’t be determined by anyone but you. Any likely suitors will have to match your value and reciprocate your love. It is either they match you or its the highway. You cant be dealing with this again, you love yourself too much to get back into the same emotional roller coaster.  When you get to fall in love with yourself again, trust me, you will never put up with bull sh*t talk. By putting yourself first you are in no way being narcissistic but gaining self-respect and love.

Work on your self-esteem

Don’t ever find yourself sitting down pondering on what went wrong with you. What only went wrong with you was an illusion from the devil. They had to make you believe that you are weak, can’t be loved, directionless, and worthless.  The accusations about you being uncaring, selfish, controlling were just projections and distortions. They are FAKE NEWS!!! They just wanted you to be invisible. So yes during the time they were with you, no matter how long or short they shredded every bit about you. You were left worthless and of no value so you would think you are just but “damaged goods”.

So don’t give these manipulations and lies anytime of the day. You are inherently beautiful, strong, powerful and have a lot more to offer. That fake coat of low self-esteem they dressed you in cannot stand what is about to come out, your true identity, the real you. In regaining your esteem you need to undo the way they brainwashed you. Take each day as it comes and if you cant build your esteem on your own, you can get help from friends and family who know and love you. They are days when you are up and some days when you are down, remaining optimistic might be tough but can be done.  Sometimes interacting with people and even being part of different groups will help shed away the toxicity placed on you. Most often your friends and family see you for who you are and they can be more objective and help you to recognize your talents and value again.

No ifs no buts

It’s done it’s done. It’s done because it was never about real love, it was never a relationship? So this is where it ends? There is no time for you to think of , oh if only l had tried harder, if only l made them more comfortable, if only l was a better girlfriend or wife. You know too well that the if only thinking doesn’t change a thing, instead entertaining such thinking can trap you and stop your recovery. You don’t need anymore blame, guilt or shame than they already dished out to you. Do not fall into their guilt trap thinking that you are damaged, broken and have trust issues  but say I am healing, evolving and finding myself.

Its okay to ask for Help

If you are much more deeply hurt and have suffered a lot more to an extend you have lost your esteem and lack self-belief you might need help with counselors and professionals. For a second do not pay attention to any friends or family who would say “Get over it already!” or “The past is the past.” You cant let any family or friends push you into a quick recovery they cant possibly understand. In your case your recovery is paramount because there is no point pretending to move on whilst carrying an emotional baggage. Such emotions will weigh you down in the future. Wherever you are know that there are therapists, self-help programs, and groups that can help you focus on self-love and how to pick your self-esteem.

Your attitude and direction show be guided by Aint Dru Anthony – “Its not that I am nothing without you. Its just that I am nothing without me. Its not that I want you back. Its just that I want to have myself again. I let myself become you, and I am taking back the part of you that belongs to me, me”

© 2017, sheconquers. All rights reserved.

22 Comments on Key steps in recovering from a narcissistic relationship

  1. Worst break up ever especially because we have kids. What a shame he wanted to use our kids to come in between. It was a nightmare to deal with until I set strict boundaries. Totally agree with that I have since assumed much more control. I know I am still recovering but hey that’s one big headache out of the way.

  2. I feel vindicated, somehow I learnt the NARC went on to ruin someones life. Just when I was thinking it was all me. Shame shame. I never contacted them ever

  3. I was major victim of a Narcissist I felt useless it’s been 5 years no contact and I finally build my self esteem and confidence. Healing takes time but it’s worthy

  4. I went from hell back and forth till l said no more, better be alone than this pain. You made me cry and smile at the same time, l feel re-energised. Definitely keep a long list of what he did to me close to my chest.

  5. I don’t know if anyone had it worse than me. It didnt matter what l did, how hard l supported him and how l was ever there for him. I got stick even when l though today he will appreciate me. I never had it easy, just a messed up situation. The day l packed up l wasn’t sure. I thought it could be worse off. I read so much about his kinda and was lucky to have friends to pick me up. I am now a bit confident but still more to be done. Thanks for this.

    • Hie Rhena yes they are self absorbed heartless cretures they don’t care about you because they have no emotions at all. We are happy you got out and you good friends to support you. As of confidence and self esteem be patient just keep on loving yourself be kind with yourself you will be ok

  6. Thank you so much for this. I’m on my way to recovery it’s hard sometimes I feel like getting in touch with him because I do miss him but I have to remind myself of the horrible things he put me through .These people are not humans at all

  7. A very interesting read. It allowed me to understand the type of relationship my friend was in and how I can continue to show him support. Yes, I said him. not only does women suffer at the hands of a narcissist men does too.

    • Hi Samantha. Thank you for the compliments. Yes, anyone can be a Narcissist. Men can also suffer at the hands of female Narcissist and go through the same pain. The same steps still apply and will help them through.

  8. Thanks for this great piece. I have been asking myself how did I become so valueless and so wrong .incapable of thinking for myself .no COntact rule. The best.

  9. it so happens that i was suppose o get married in december and a week ago i heard that the guy had a one month old baby with another lady, i loved him so much , m trying to move on each time l am alone iwill be crying , we live in the same town.

    • Hi Lee. You mentioned you were supposed to get married. It is painful, heartbreaking and something that one shouldn’t go through. Yes you are hurting today and more so you are likely to meet with the person as you live in the same city but dont you think its better you found out the betrayal much earlier. If you had been married and later discovered you would even be worse off. You were in a relationship with someone who wasn’t fully committed. Start loving yourself again and taking care of you. Take each day as it comes, you will heal and eventually move on. You will get someone who deserves you.

  10. My narcissist happen to be my son… It started when he turned 16. He is now 35. I was single mom raising him & my daughter. I allowed him to become the man of my home. He was exceptionally handsome, charming & popular. Everyone from school admins to his lil grandma loved him & I was a proud mama. However behind close doors he was an monster to me only. screaming, cursing,blaming, disrespectful & worst if all expected me to clean up wherever he made a mess. It took a very long time to acknowledge this abuse..If He gave me a compliment, I took it as gospel. Last year He left his service as a Marine after & years he began to drink excessively and I was diagnosed with a rare cancer. He didn’t take it serious & moved out of state & left me alone. Of course I was devastated, but became stronger. 2-3 months after He left he began his communication/manipulation. Updating me with things going on in his life etc etc. I’m thankful that he clearly showed who he was by leaving me here. Because now I have no sympathy, I don’t care if yo
    he’s doing well or not. I have not responded after reading this article will not respond. It’s all about saving my life or a saving his. I choose me. I keep an imaginary thought in my mind of telling him that he does not have a mother. She died and he should get used to living that way. Harsh but it works for my mental strength! Thank you for emphasizing the no contact rule

    • It is always sad to hear when one goes through such experiences. It is always more painful, difficult, challenging and confusing when its your own child. One looks at themselves and think, did I fail as a mom or dad. Like you clearly said, at some point you have to say enough is enough. You did all you could but for your son to not have emphathy and leave you alone says more about him than you.

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